Rancid Walrus Balls

My schedule takes a lot of out of me. So does getting older.

Being over 40 sucks rancid walrus balls.

It also means gaining weight even though you're not eating more than normal. Along with the mystery aches, menopause, and frequent bad hair days, it's like your body is playing a cruel joke on you.

A while back, I tried the Special K diet and failed. The shakes and bars were okay, but I was always hungry. I think this diet is for people who don't actually get fat. Stick people who whine about losing five pounds left over from their last period.

As for Alli... well, do I have to say it? Anal leakage. Involuntary butt grease pushes the limit of what I'll do to lose weight.

I've tried most of the sweet, fruity, carbtastic, meal replacement diets. They all left me with no energy and an unbelievable craving for steak. Even if I didn't have the cravings, my blood sugar crashed by 1pm, and I was face down on my keyboard.

I remember the days of Dexatrim back in the 1980's. One of the benefits of old school diet pills was the ephedra kept you awake and moving. I miss that.

So I've been doing the low-carb thing again. Specifically, The Atkins.

This isn't the first time for me, and I could never stick with it because a) I couldn't part with my five cups of coffee, or b) my evening glass of wine. Besides, I was painfully carbohydrate and sugar addicted. Usually by the third day I wanted to sell my ovaries for a slice of bread.

But......and this is a big BUT (ha!): After a few weeks, I always felt great. Seriously, I felt AWESOME. Tons of energy. Unfortunately, I never lost more than a few pounds, which was discouraging since everybody loses something like ten pounds in the first week. So I gave up.

Anyway, I felt like shit six out of seven days (Doc's run all the blood tests, and still insists I don't have a thyroid issue. I think he's lying, but whatevs). So last January, I made the decision to go low carb again. I figured I can continue to feel fat and crappy, or I could just feel fat without the crappy.

So I opted for feeling better, and maybe if I'm lucky I'll lose some weight too. Within six months, I'd lost around 20 pounds. Well, I'm assuming 20 pounds because I was fitting into clothes from 20 pounds ago. I refused to monitor my weight by anything other than how my clothes fit. Scales are depressing.

Anyway, for some reason, this time around I had no adverse effects during the induction period. I wasn't craving carbs, and I didn't get the “Atkins Flu” that occurs when you're body switches over from carb burning to fat-burning.

The Atkins website was revamped since the last time I used it, and there's great recipes, info and support. Sure, they're going to try to sell you some bars and shakes (which are pretty decent, by the way), but there's a lot of good info out there. It also helped that I read the revised book which explains the diet in a more condensed manner.

My only problem: Thanksgiving and Christmas 2011. I relented, and went off the diet in order to enjoy the holidays. I didn't go crazy, but in that short time I put some weight back on. I'm still in my 20-pounds-ago pants, but they're tight. I popped a button the other day and it made me sad.

I also felt like crap. That should have told me something was wrong. Seriously, achy, tired, crabby – just awful. You actually CAN have a hangover from carbohydrates.

So yeah. I'm back on the low carb and it's taken me months to get back to feeling better again.

Lesson learned. I'll come up with a better game plan for enjoying the holidays next year.