Monday, January 21, 2013

Moving Towards Idiocracy - I wasn't flipping you off, I was waving at you with my driving finger.

There is so much stupid on the roads of America. Sooooo much stupid, oblivious driving.

Lately, the motorists I encounter are operating under the misguided assumption that everyone else will simply get out of their way.

I'm not talking about driving in congested towns and cities – that's a given. It's here in suburban Pennsylvania where things are reaching critical mass.

Stop signs are only a suggestion, and not actually obeyed as a traffic law. Four way stop? Nope. It is guaranteed that someone at one of the four is going to blow through it.

Look both ways before pulling out of your hidden driveway? Nope. Just launch your car into traffic like a Viper from the Galactica. Assume that you'll materialize within the flow of traffic, so there's no reason to check for oncoming vehicles.


Anyway, I have one story that not only takes the cake, but also relieves it of icing, rolls it down a dirt road, then has the balls to serve it up at a church picnic:

Here in the Pocono Mountains, we have two towns that sit quite close to one another on a stretch of death-highway. This highway is notorious for being very winding and congested. Because of this, there are numerous accidents. There is a speed limit in place requiring drivers to slow down to 50 miles per hour, instead of skating along at 60 or 65.

Not only is this speed limit completely ignored, but I find most people are generally doing somewhere in the vicinity of 75-80 mph.*

Fine, I can accept that. I'll stay out of your way.

But if you're speeding at 80 miles per hour, weaving in and out of traffic, then cut off a tractor trailer which has to swerve into my lane in order to avoid YOU, causing me to nearly ditch my vehicle off the side of the road - then I've got plenty of reason to be pissed off.

This moron didn't do it once, but THREE TIMES.

I've had the misfortune to encounter this spectacular specimen of douchenugget three times in the last two weeks. This idiot's car caught my notice because he/she has a large decal that takes up the entire back window which reads: “Here'sTheBlood”.

Here's the blood? What the fuck does that mean? Does he/she transport blood? Is that the reason for the hurry? If only.

The first time I was nearly killed by this moron I made a mental note to Google it.

Well, I'm here to say, DO NOT Google that.

It looks like a website dedicated to anti-abortion. The kind that shows you graphic images.** Thankfully, I got a content warning for graphic images before I clicked on it, and instead was able to maneuver to an “about” section of the site.

Anyway, my point is, the motorist in this story is just another fine example of moral licensing that occurs in this country - on both sides of politics.

 On one hand, we have the “save the planet” Prius owner, with the requisite “Coexist” and Obama/Biden bumper stickers. In my personal experience, they will cut you off in heavy traffic while doing 90 mph (why, exactly, do you own a Prius??). Good job “coexisting” with the other drivers on the road.

(I don't mean you, Mom. I know you're trying to save gas money. Also, you don't cut people off or have a “Coexist” sticker.).

And there's this jackass in the Here'sTheBlood car, advertising to the world that he/she cares about the blood of aborted children, but apparently doesn't care about other motorist's blood (or the blood of children in THOSE cars) being splashed all over the highway because of his/her shitty driving habits.

* I have no problem with speeding. I do have a problem with it on a death-slalom highway that has a reputation for killing hundreds of people.

** I am not pro abortion. For me, it simply doesn't pass the “icky” test. But putting photos of it online is just as disgusting.

Friday, January 11, 2013

Stand on the Bloody Bin Bag!

I can identify with Edina and Patsy here.....this is too funny:

Tuesday, January 8, 2013


With the cold dry weather, we've all been suffering from the lip shrivels. Lip balm of all kinds is a hot commodity around here, but apparently I need to start buying it in bulk.

Last week:

“Mom, I ran out of Carmex. Can I use yours?” asked Daughter.

“Are you kidding? You're my daughter and we've probably got the same cooties, but that's a really great way to get the flu. Still, I never used mine so it should be germ free. If you absolutely have to, go ahead and take it – it's in my makeup case.” I offered.

“Meh...I guess I can wait.”

The next day, the lip stuff is still in my case. When opened, it looks...lopsided. “Well, I must have gotten a defective one. “ I thought, then proceeded to use it.

Fast forward five days.

“Mom, my throat is killing me. I used the flashlight to look at it, and there's all these white patches...”

“Let me see.” I said.

Oh boy......and such lovely white patches too. Daughter's tonsils were covered with what looked like cottage cheese.

Also, there was something tugging at the back of my mind.

That tugging was the Hippocampus Gnome*, trying to jump start my short term memory. Unfortunately, my perimenopausal brain wasn't having any of it. Yet.

“Um. Yuck. That's looks like strep throat. Or at least, that's what it looked like the last time you had it. I'll call the doctor tomorrow morning.” I said.

Then I remembered.

Along with that memory came the odd itch at the back of my throat.

“By the way, did you use my lip balm?”

Daughter's eyes grew large, “Oh my God! I'm so sorry ...but I didn't think I was sick then!”

“I believe I told you to just take it, not use it then put it back. Ugh. Well, I guess we'll both be out of commission for a while. Thank God tomorrow's Friday.”

*Thank you Terry Pratchett.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013